The Frugal but Professional Practice (Part 8) Using Hypnosis for overcoming Betrayal in the Marital Relationship

by Celeste Hackett

(Celeste Hackett, CH, started her business, Family First Hypnosis in her apartment in Dallas, Texas on a shoestring and has now moved into a home office. She will begin teaching NGH-approved certification classes in 5-PATH in the near future.

She shares her journey and methods for a successful practice in these articles in order to encourage and support other hypnotists. To see her other articles scroll down to the bottom of this page and click on: Find other items by this source (writer, trainer, manufacturer, etc). Also, please give a review of this article by clicking on the review button.)

The ‘Tone of voice” guy, I AM working with right now and, as you may have guessed we are discovering a LOT of unresolved anger. He has been a piece of cake to work with. From the very start even with plain old direct suggestion he has been nicer to his wife, more helpful around the house, less mean-sounding when he talks and more affectionate. The sessions are going well and I expect him to have a reasonably sweet tone of voice most of the time by the time the work is done. Of course, it will mean beating the hell out of a pillow and telling off a few hallucinated people first.

Reflecting back, I’ve been getting a lot of this sort of “anger in relationship stuff” lately. Mostly its women mad at their husbands. I’ve seen several women who have been betrayed by their spouses, in various ways. They feel it is in their best interest to get over it, forgive and stay in the relationship, so for this reason they seek my services. Sometimes they want to stay for “the children” or “monetary reasons” or “he’s a good guy; he just made a mistake”. Recently, I have probably seen about 5 of them.

Helping Your Clients Fall back in LOVE

One lady was furious at her husband because he wouldn’t stop drinking. He was a very functional alcoholic. He kept a job that paid very well, but passed out every night. She stayed on his “behind” about his drinking constantly. She had no idea how her criticizing him was making it worse. In the work we did we uncovered her fear of being abandoned. To her, it seemed, his passing out was just too much like being abandoned by her father. Working through her fear she became increasingly more confident, at ease, less bothered by him. Since she was more at ease and secure she began doing things to make herself happy and began to be less critical and more understanding, just allowing him to “be” where he was in his own life journey.

She also forgave him and became more compassionate and understanding as she got to “walk in his shoes” in hypnosis. Once the pressure was off of him, his natural desire to be a better Father and husband began to emerge. He began working on his alcohol issue and by the time we got finished with the work he wasn’t drinking, had found a new drug for alcohol cessation that worked great for him and they began having more fulfilling, and loving times together again. An added bonus was their daughter who had begun to pull away from her dad with Mom, got her Dad back, not to mention him getting her back too.

Angry men, (whose wives are weary of angry outbursts, and threatening divorce) have also been coming to see me. And I also have gotten a few inquiries from men wanting to get over anger at an unfaithful wife. In the work I do, in all cases, we just uncover the causes of the anger, which surprisingly does NOT start with the spouse. We then bring the truth to any misperceptions, resolve any emotions, suggest change and over the course of about 4-6 sessions these clients and their families are much, much happier.

I’m mentioning, “anger in relationships”, this slice of the “hypnosis client pie:”, because it is not only healing to families, but simply another way you can make money as a hypnotist. These clients are fast becoming my favorite ones to work with because I know when they change, the whole family benefits. My business ain’t called Family First Hypnosis for nothin’ ya know :o).

The way I work, I do direct suggestion in the first session. Since I do not believe you can “suggest away anger”, I want these clients to feel like something is happening right away, so I sometimes give them homework. It has a dual purpose of also getting them to begin taking responsibility for their thinking and actions in their angry moments.

A Cool Free Thing For You

Below find my version of this homework, another Freebie. It’s a handout for clients who are angry at their spouse. This handout assumes there is a good deal of arguing happening. You may find it helpful to just read and use certain portions. Some of this could also be altered and used in your direct suggestion portion, use or mix and match paragraphs depending on the needs of the client. Also it assumes the reader is a female, so you may want to change that. I hope it is helpful to you!

Homework and Ideas for Stopping the Madness in Relationships

1. Three times or more per day and/or when negative fantasies take you over and especially right before your partner comes home imagine or think of him doing nice things for you and of him really caring about and loving you. In other words, think the exact opposite of any negative mental movies your mind is giving you! See yourself responding in a loving, happy, affectionate or receptive way.

   Let yourself pretend that he is still the guy you fell in love with. Believe he is responsible, understanding, good at heart and decide you will look for and see these sides of him, because if he was ever that kind of a wonderful person, he still is. Psychologists say we are all made up of different parts. There is the part of us that wants to shop and there is that part of you that wants to save money, for instance. There is also a romantic part, a responsible part, an understanding, compassionate part, and a helpful part to each of us.

   Our job as partners is to believe in, encourage and support these good parts and to (for the most part) ignore the other parts. Why? Because the more energy you give something, the more it grows. Pointing out how wrong, bad or stupid someone is will only cause that wrong, bad and stupid part to grow bigger. When you really learn this and you practice this you will be the most influential person in your partner’s life, they will love you deeply for it, and you will feel so good too.

   So, this exercise will cause you to not only be happier and more loving, but will also draw to you those qualities in him that you would like to experience. There is an old saying that goes, “People rise to what you expect of them.” Don’t believe me? Want proof? Do this and you will BE the proof.

2. Three times per day and/or when you are angry or thinking a negative thought think about yourself at your most strong and confident doing something that you love and needing no one’s approval because you are so happy with yourself. Imagine yourself independent, confident, strong and happy. Think of yourself filled with radiant energy and with tons of love to give. Think of yourself as so beautiful inside and out. Fill your heart and mind with love and loving thoughts.

3. When the negative you begins to think thoughts that don’t feel good do this mental exercise: Think or imagine there are two parts of you. One is the part of you that is negative, afraid of the future and/or angry. The other is your wisest part. It is the part of you most closely connected to God, your very best self that is very wise and very pure and loving and good. This part is your very best friend and always has your best interests in mind —- When the negative you begins to think thoughts that don’t feel good have that negative part talk to the wisest part. Have the wisest part respond. You can do this aloud or silently in the privacy of your own mind.

   As you allow them to talk back and forth in your imagination you will find an answer. Or you will become more calmed down by the wisest self. Allow her/him to comfort you and guide you in your mind. You may just listen to what your wisest part has to say or you may imagine your wisest part holding you and comforting you with tender words of love. Your wisest part is the part of you that comes out when you are all-loving and also when you have been able to keep a cool head and be a good friend.

4. Self Hypnosis- Once per day close your eyes and count from 25-1 when you do this you will most likely go into at least a light state of hypnosis, but even if you do not people are suggestible even when they are NOT in hypnosis so it doesn’t matter. As you count down with each number say relax and cause your mind and body to relax and be calm. Don’t worry if it feels like you are in hypnosis or not. Once you get to “1” WHILE you are “in hypnosis” practice number 1 and 2 on this list and say your affirmation which is: Every day in every way I am getting better and better 15 times conjure up a positive feeling while thinking of yourself as happy and doing something you love. This only needs to take about 2-5 minutes but can go as long as you want.

5. The next time you are “in” anger or anxiety or in any emotion remember that you are in Negative Emotional Hypnosis. That’s right hypnotized by your own negative self’s thinking and emotions. Remember that when in hypnosis, YOU are in control, so take back control. All feelings are good if they lead you to understanding but if you are just going round and round feeling bad, then you need to do something to get your power back.

   The way to get out of this kind of negative emotional hypnosis and get free of the hold of the negative emotion is to become analytical and to think critically. When you can do this you pull yourself out of the power of negative hypnosis and these emotions can not hurt you anymore.

   Here are some questions to help you escape Negative Emotional Hypnosis: I wonder how I got that thought? When did I start thinking it? What can I do next time I think that thought? Is that thought really true? What is true about it and what isn’t? What would happen if I just dropped it for once and thought or did something else? How would someone else handle this? How can I be my best friend right now? What can I do for me to make me feel happy? What do I really want? How can I give it to myself? Even though he did _________ does it really mean _________? What if I could feel happy no matter what anyone does or says? How would that feel? Is that possible? Are there people who can do that? How do they do that? How can I make myself happy right now despite everything? What lesson is in this for me? What am I learning? What do I want to learn? How can I cause this to help make me a better person? Is this an opportunity to practice loving when it’s difficult, for instance? Am I really powerless right now? Am I playing a victim role? How can I make myself stronger nad more independent? How can I make myself myself happy? Does what he did/said have anything to do with me or is it because he has a problem? Could he be scared? Is what he said true? How much is true? How much is not? What other questions can I think of that will make me feel better?

   Come up with any other questions that analyze the situation from an opposite point of view or from a higher point of view, the feeling or the way you are thinking. Take on an attitude of curiosity about what happened and what you are thinking and feeling and how you got that way and how you can get out of it. Analyze the situation with a cool head like a detective looking at someone else’s problem as if it is not yours. All of the answers we need are in our own mind!

   Decide to step out of the madness (negative emotional hypnosis) and allow him/her to say what they want to say. Realize they need to get it out to heal themselves. Let it be as if their emotions and words are a tornado and you are in the center of the storm and it can not touch you. You can even physically leave the room, or leave the house for a while if you need to. When you do this just be sure to say you are coming back. Don’t try to hurt him by saying you are “leaving”. Just say you are going to give him time to calm down and that you’ll be back. Then go do something fun for you. Go be happy.

6. Another way to stop the madness is to do this experiment: The next time you are criticized, offended or yelled at by your loved one say nothing back. Keep quiet. Listen with an honest sympathetic expression. (This takes practice) Get in touch with the feelings of compassion for someone who is temporarily out of control. Remember how bad you felt when you’ve been this way. Understand that they must feel very bad at this time and are momentarily not mentally well. Decide to witness their pain and not to defend yourself and watch how this changes things for the better! Why is this? For one reason, it’s because when we argue back they can not hear how nasty and mean they are. Once you argue or defend or yell back their minds quickly skip to how mean or wrong you are. If someone can not HEAR themselves they won’t feel the need to change. Argue back and they just hear your meanes, so the continuation of the fight is your fault. You stop and it will stop sooner.

   When you do this an amazing thing will happen. Watch for it. They start trying to be kinder too. When you see this you will know that you caused the kindess NOT by pointing out what was wrong with them, or by defending yourself but by just allowing them to have their hurt for a little while and not buying into the idea of how bad you are OR how bad they are. Human emotions when fully expressed, actually do not last very long.

   While doing this if you make a mistake out of habit and argue back for a bit, do not worry! You always get a second chance to practice being quiet and dropping your part of the argument. So, at the next opportunity in the argument, just drop your side of it and let their words stand. Allow them to feel their feelings and hear their words. In the silence everything will echo back to them. The more you do this. The more your relationship will change to being more harmonious.

   When you do talk back be very careful of your tone of voice and your expression. You can trigger more anger or fear with these two things. It’s not always what you say, but how you say it. This can be a huge step for anyone as they learn their part in the madness.

   Realize most people argue or yell when they are scared. Try to understand what your partner is really afraid of. Allow yourself to feel sympathy for their feeling afraid. And realize that their feelings are not YOUR feelings or your fault. They’ve got a problem and that is sad and hard for them just like it has been sad and hard for you when you have felt this way.

   Think of yourself having a shield around you that harsh words can not penetrate. No matter what is said or what happens you handle things in a reasonable, sensible and effective, yet calm way.

   Also, another reason why we get so angry is because we are scared. How can you be less scared. Are you thinking he will leave you? Is that a constant non-spoken (or even spoken) threat? I knew a lady who she realized (after looking back over the past 5 years) that they had stayed together all those times when she thought they’d break up. All those times she had been devastated, she had been devastated unnecessarily. She began to relax and just realize the ups and downs were just part of a journey she was on with her partner she was far less scared. This made her far more at ease even when they were fighting. She began to imagine fighting and making up and laughing about it even as they were fighting. A disagreement was no longer the end of the world even if a threat of leaving was made.

   Communication is key. It’s okay to point out bad behavior, or even to ask for what you want. But here are the 3 rules:
   Say what you mean.
   Mean what you say.
   Don’t be mean when you say it.
   And remember when doing this to pick the right time for best results AND to keep it short and to the point. Then move on.

   Think of criticisms you need or direction you need to give more as planting seeds for future good behavior later. Don’t expect everything to change right away. Ask then accept what you get. You’ll be surprised to find how your partner WANTS to make you happy.

   Lastly, Believe that he DOES want to make you happy, and not the other way around. Otherwise, what is he still doing here trying? He might have given up temporarily, but with love and understanding and patience and SELF control, things can change.