by Dr. Bryan Knight
"Could Hypnosis Make My Sex Drive Normal?"
The Question:
"I have a problem with sex. I have not been abused or anything like that, but I just don’t like it. I really don’t see the point in it at all.
Of course this is a huge problem between my husband and me. I have been to a couple of doctors, and tried a few different meds to increase libido, but nothing works.
Could hypnosis make me want sex? To have a normal sex drive?
I have thought about seeking this type of work, but am not sure if it can even address my problem. I want to have a normal sexual desire, so the wanting part is not an issue. Thank you for your time."
My Answer:
As you know, people vary tremendously in their characteristics, including their interest in sex. So the degree to which your lack of desire is biologically innate is important but beyond this email.
You’ve seen doctors and apparently their "solution" was to prescribe pills. I suggest you seek out a physician (preferably a woman — more likely to be empathic) who specialises in sexual issues. She could then rule out physical causes for your disinterest.
If your uninterest has emotional or psychological roots then hypnosis would likely be helpful.
Your choice of hypnotist would be crucial. Even though you say you were not abused there are some hypnotists who automatically assume sexually-disinterested people were harmed as children. It is important that you avoid a hypnotist with such fixed, pre-conceived views.
Because if you weren’t abused, their ideology would help create false beliefs in you that you were, to the subsequent detriment of your own self-esteem and possible family disruptions.
You would need someone who understands that, apart from biology, there could be several causes for your disinterest only one of which is possible childhood sexual abuse.
How to find such a hypnotist? Use the Guidelines on my site.
You might also, if you haven’t already, read my article on Hypnosis and Sex.
And [watch out: commercial coming] to learn more about hypnosis you’d find my inexpensive ebooks "Easily Hypnotize Anyone" and "Self-Hypnosis: Safe, Simple, Superb" full of useful information."
"Can Hypnosis Silence Schizophrenic Voices?"
The Question:
My grandmother is an 89 years old native Guatamalean. She is in very decent health except for glaucoma and the fact she talks to voices in her head: openly, loudly, talks back and forth, carries on and on, but is clearly very aware of what she is doing.
She gets annoyed with "them" talking to her. She does have a diagnosis of mild schizophrenia but unfortunately does not take any meds for it.
My aunt has suggested Grandma undergo hypnosis to end her private conversations because the talking has become more frequent than "normal".
She usually converses under stressful situations.
Moving to live with her daughter, my aunt, is a recent transition. My mother is extremely concerned that hypnosis may not be suitable to Grandma’s needs, and is afraid she will have adverse reactions.
Can you offer some advice to our concerned family?"
My answer:
"Hypnosis with schizophrenic people should only be undertaken by highly trained, experienced hypnotists and even then might provoke further disruptions.
As long as your grandmother is not violent to herself or others, the problem is really not with her but with the tolerance level of your aunt.
Hypnosis to allow your aunt to be relaxed around Grandma’s chattering might be a good idea.
It’s also possible that your Grandma is not schizophrenic in the strict sense but simply re-living stuff and conversations from earlier in her life (part of dementia). Either way, she is unlikely to benefit from hypnosis.
"Could Hypnosis Save My Marriage?"
The Question:
"I have completely lost interest in sex within my marriage of 17 years. I "think" that I still love my husband but over the years but I am not sure and I wanted to know if it was possible to have the memories of disappointments removed or used in a positive way so that we could develop a healthy marriage.
Going to a marriage counselor is out of the question. My husband does not agree that a stranger can or will tell us what is wrong with our marriage and how to fix it.
I feel that a lot of the decisions within our marriage are left to me – the bills, trying to fix the house up -we don’t even seem to have anything in common – possibly we never have – my husband talks like he know what he is doing but very seldom does anything.
I would consider being hypnotised so that when I look at him I wouldn’t feel angry because he doesn’t take the initiative to do some of the household repairs that he says he can do but never does.
I have tried to really listen to what he is saying but don’t agree with a lot of his ideas – basically we argue or disagree over the little things.
I wondered if being hypnotized would erase the negative things I feel about him and give us a basis to start again.
Me writing this note to you would definitely make him think that I have completely lost it."
My Answer:
"Your hurt, disappointment and frustration come through loud and clear.
As to your questions about hypnosis: it is likely possible to ‘turn around’ your feelings of irritation and conflict with your husband but I’m not sure that I would recommend this.
By far your best bet would be to see a marriage counsellor with or without hypnosis. With or without your husband.
What you wrote re your husband’s view of such a process is mistaken. A good counsellor doesn’t tell you what’s wrong and certainly doesn’t tell you what to do. (Well, some do but that’s obviously not the type your husband would accept).
The counsellor would help the two of you communicate your grievances and would help both of you to work out the solutions.
"How Do I Avoid Being A Victim?"
The Question:
"i suffered through years of childhood abuse. I’m now almost 25 and the effects of it are controling my life. I read on your site how you mentioned that victims of childhood abuse often become revictimized. I have seemed to experience that a lot throughout my life with the people i’ve met. I also read that victims tend to be subconsciously drawn or attracted to those, who will, betray them again.
I’m wondering if you could help me in the right direction to NOT being a victim anymore and if there are any ways not to be "attracted" to people who will just cause me to be revictimized again. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank You very much."
My reply:
Greetings:
Excellent questions.
That you even ask them shows that you are on the right path to no longer being a victim. And that’s great.
I’ll answer your email as thoughts occur to me. Thus the following is not in any particular order of importance.
The biggest danger in the process of re-victimization is that the men who are potential abusers at first appear to be charming, even loving. They are attentive, appear warm and perhaps "sensitive."
But it’s all an act. Sociopaths have no conscience. They can only simulate feelings. [Except for anger at being thwarted]. But they do it very well. That’s why it is so easy for a vulnerable woman to be taken in.
So one of the first things to do is to make sure you are thinking straight. A warning sign is that you are experiencing the same excitement as on previous occasions when you thought a guy was Mr Wonderful.
Look for little clues such as his not wanting to spend time with your existing friends. Of course a couple newly in love want to spend time alone but what you’re on the alert for is his need to control.
An abuser wants to use his woman. He wants control over her. His insecurities (masked for a while by his superficial charm) cannot allow her to have a life undictated by what *he* wants.
This need for control will leak out before it becomes full-blown. So another thing you do is, allow time to pass.
Observe his behaviour, especially with the other important people in your life.
Look at him as objectively as possible. If he bears a lot of resemblance to other abusers (in character, not looks), dump him.
A decent man will truly listen to you. He’ll sometimes do things you want, even though it’s not what interests him. He’ll want to meet your friends and family — not just on one fleeting visit, either.
Key question to ask yourself is "Is he *really* considerate of me?" And sending you flowers after he’s yelled and screamed at you, or worse, beaten you up or forced sex on you, does NOT qualify.
If you find yourself making excuses for the man in your life, dump him. If you find yourself unwilling to present him to girlfriends, dump him. If you find him unwilling to allow you time on your own, dump him.
But by far the best protection from being re-victimised is to build your own self-esteem. Then you’ll find yourself attracted to decent guys.
I can guess that over the years you’ve looked upon decent guys as "boring" and have been attracted to creeps because they seemed to offer excitement.
It’s the kind of excitement you can live without. Indeed, your life might in reality depend upon avoiding creeps.
Build your self-esteem by following your dreams, doing things you’re proud of, exercising, taking part in activities that really interest you (then, as a by-product you’ll likely meet a man who also has self-respect).
People who respect themselves are attracted to others who have self-respect.
An abusee is attracted to a potential abuser precisely because she has low self-esteem. So does he though his bravado at first masks the low self-image. (Swaggering and bragging can also be his symptoms).
You might begin your new, abuse-free, life and build your self-esteem with my ebook "Self-Hypnosis: Safe, Simple, Superb."
"I’m Missing 6 Years"
The Question
Hello, to start let me tell you a little about myself. I am 27, female, with 2 children. I was gang raped when I was 12. It was hard getting back to normal, but I managed.
There is about 6 years of my life I do not remember. I didn’t have the grandest childhood: my mother used to beat me on a constant basis.
I ask my father about the years I can’t remember, and he won’t tell me, or he says he doesnt know what I am talking about. I have certain problems like, I get mad real easy, I am very stubborn, I don’t know how to open up to my husband. I am uptight most of the time when I am at home.
I am ok at work, I get along good with all my coworkers, don’t have any problems talking to people outside of the home.
I am at a loss, what I am wondering is if there is a way I can be hypnotized and find out what happened to me in those 6 years I can’t account for.
I am not sure it is anything or not. But I have a strong gut feeling that there is something. Please let me know. Thanks for your time."
My Answer:
It’s quite possible that hypnosis could be used to help you recall those 6 years. However, it is equally possible that hypnosis could be used to *create* memories (or rather, beliefs) of what happened.
If you decide to follow through on this it is important that you locate a competent hypnotist, preferably someone trained in more than just hypnotic techniques.
Furthermore, be aware that memory is malleable, that what you think you "remember" is not like a videotape. Memories are adapted, coloured, modified by all kinds of things (other life experiences, TV, movies, dreams,,,) and this applies to hypnotically recalled memories too.
Main danger is in a hypnotist planting "memories" of abuse that didn’t actually happen. So it is wise to avoid hypnotists who believe everyone has been abused. Or who seize on your terrible real-life memories to assume that other horrible things happened during those 6 "missing" years.
Use the guidelines on my site to choose the right hypnotist for you.
"Is it all right to hold hands with my hypnotist?"
The Question:
" I’m somewhat confused about the ethics in hypnosis. I was hoping you would be able to provide me with some information as far as hypnotist/patient interaction in psychotherapy. Is it allowable for a doctor to hold a patient’s hand if she is crying in a session?"
My Answer:
"This is a controversial issue. The key ethic is that the hypnotist not cross the boundary of professional behaviour. On the one hand, a hand-holding gesture can be very comforting to the client, can cement the relationship.
"On the other, such a move can give a client the wrong impression (i.e. that the hypnotist is willing to become intimately involved with the client). This can lead to unhealthy fantasizing by the client. And possible abuse by the client and hypnotist becoming romantically involved.
"Some hypnotists never touch a client (other than perhaps a handshake). Others are more touchy-feely."
Follow-up Question:
"Thank you for responding to my e-mail. I’d like to elaborate a bit on my problem. I’m in somewhat of a dilemma. I was hoping you would be able to shed some light on the following.
I’m a 32 year old gay woman, in work with a female doctor. I’ve been going to her for almost 3 years for depression. On several occasions, when I have found myself crying, she has held my hand. On my last visit, she refused to do it.
When I tried to understand more about her reasoning, she closed the door on the subject, saying, "we’re not talking about this anymore".
I was wondering if holding a patient’s hand is out of line or allowable. I would really appreciate your help."
My Answer:
"I thought I’d explained this in the previous email. Holding your hand is not, in and of itself, necessarily wrong. But it can so easily be misconstrued.
Your hypnotist must have a reason for abruptly stopping the hand-holding. She owes you an explanation for this change in behaviour. A good part of hypnosis can be the discussion of such issues. For example, perhaps you are feeling rejected. Perhaps you wonder if the hypnotist no longer cares. Perhaps you harboured semi-secret wishes that are now put in doubt, etc., etc. (This also points up the dangers of physical comforting of clients by hypnotists).
In any case, letting the hypnotist know how you feel and that you are puzzled by her withdrawing of the hand-holding should be hypnotic for you."
"Couldn’t I Just Slip It In To His Work?"
The Question: [Arrived one Christmas Day]
"I am a clinical hypnotist in Canada. I take great pride in the fact that I’ve personally seen very positive results in my clients through the use of hypnosis. I am humbled to be a small part of this.
I have an ethical question for you that I, as a professional (and a human being) have been struggling with for some time. I am working with a male client.
He emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abuses his wife and their two sons. I am absolutely certain that he would see the errors of his ways through the use of hypnosis. He would understand where it started and therefore correct the situation. The problem is, Dr. Knight he is not seeing me for this at all.
I, through the request of his wife, have talked to him about this and told him what it is doing to his loving family. He doesn’t believe he is doing anything wrong. According to him, that’s the way you are supposed to treat your family.
I told his wife that he refused my help citing that he didn’t have a problem in that area. I am telling you that the poor woman broke down right there in my office. She BEGGED me to help her and her family. She asked me if I could just kind of "slip it in" in his work for the weight problem that he admits he does have.
I told his wife that he refused me, so there is nothing I can do with him. I did offer to work with her though. She has yet to come see me on a professional level.
I can clearly see what his behavior is doing to his family. Is there anything I can do for him (them)? I feel that I could perhaps disguise his work as part of his other problem.
This is very difficult for me. I am getting pulled every different way. I do know that it wouldn’t take a whole lot on my part, and it would make such a profound difference in their lives.
Please, oh Please help me sir."
My Answer:
"I’m assuming this ethical question is not intended as an entry in my Ethical Question of the Month challenge. But that you want my opinion.
First of, let me say that my opinion is just that, an opinion. I have no authority to be anyone else’s ethical monitor.
Also, that what I write here responds to the scant information in your email. (With more details I might offer a different response).
There are a number of aspects to this dilemma, not just the one you mention.
Ethical issues
You don’t say whether the man gave you written permission to speak with his wife about his work, or perhaps they came together initially. If not, you have broken client confidentiality and anonymity.
You speak of humility yet you are certain you can cure this client of his abusive behaviour.
It’s great to have confidence but this borders on arrogance. I’m puzzled that you believe hypnosis can undoubtedly resolve a problem the client doesn’t even believe is a problem.
Trickery has no place in our work. On the other hand, should you use hypnoanalysis and, at the core, the client discovers his weight problem (that appears to be the reason for seeing you) has its origins in something that also contributes to his abusive behaviour, then resolving that would bring about an extra benefit (of ending the abuse) without you violating your unwritten contract with the client.
You say the wife hasn’t yet booked a hypnosis appointment. Yet you are seeing her in your office. Isn’t this an ethical conflict? And if you saw her for "hypnosis" you’d be consciously working with her against her husband, or against her best interests, if what she’s told you is true. Either you’d be strengthening her resolve to resist the abuse or you’d be encouraging her to live with it. Neither is an ethically correct stance.
You might also examine whether your feelings toward the wife are entirely professional. Hypnotists, especially male hypnotists, are prone to the "Rescue" complex.
Another ethical issue is that it appears this man has a belief that the way he is dealing with his family is correct. Thus, what you are intimating is that your view is right and his is wrong. Would you say this about a Hindu? About an Inuit? About a Christian fundamentalist? You’ve presented your views to him (that’s good) but he’s not there to be converted.
So if he and his wife do not fully share his "spare the rod and spoil the child" philosophy it’s up to them to sort this out, not you.
You could recommend, and refer to, a marriage counsellor. Or their clergyperson, if they have one.
If the man’s behaviour is so truly repulsive to you, how come you continue to see him? And have not reported him to the police?
The wife also seems to have a magical view of hypnosis. (Nurtured by you?) It is unethical to imply that "slipping in" some "work" into a hypnosis session will quickly resolve a long-standing problem.
It also bothers me that you don’t give your full name. I’m not sure what to infer from this. Distrust? Modesty? Shame? In any event, asking another professional to take time and thought on Christmas Day to reply to your dilemma while disguising your identity certainly makes one wonder.
Legal issues
In the U.S. some time ago the Tarasoff case led to a legal decision that binds hypnotists to warn potential victims of danger — or themselves run the risk of a jail term. In Canada we probably have something similar. You should definitely check with a lawyer about this.
I think every Province has laws that require hypnotists to report child abuse. Certainly in Quebec this is indisputable. So a legal/ethical dilemma faces you re the children.
Actually, if I were in a similar situation, I would see no dilemma: the welfare of children is far more important than retaining a client. I would report abuse immediately. (Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee that anything effective would be done by the authorities but that’s another issue).
You also need to think about protecting yourself. Should the physical violence increase and serious harm or death result for the wife and/or the kids you could be sued by relatives for professional negligence (like in the Tarasoff case).
Have a great New Year."
"My Husband Wants Hypnosis To Prove His Innocence"
The Question:
Dear Dr. Knight:
"I was wondering if maybe you could help me. My husband was accused of something and I was wondering if through hypnosis if you could tell me if it was done or not. He has told me he would go under hypnosis to prove himself. I have to know so if you know someone or if you can help me I would really appreciate it. I have to have peace of mind, for me and my daughter."
My Answer:
"Sorry, …, but hypnosis would not prove anything one way or the other. Since a person in hypnosis is fully conscious, awake and aware, he or she could lie if they chose to.
We do have a technique (ideomotor signalling) that can be used to get answers direct from the subconscious but it is far from foolproof and could also be manipulated.
Hypnosis is not a truth serum."
